me in 2005

A Brand New Me.... this year is a special year for me. i'm 21 and i'm finally in my final year of my civil engineering degree. not that i've been anticipating my graduation day for long, but i would love to end my degree as soon as possible.
i've been so stressed out for the past three years, struggling hard to get through every year, making sure that i dont fail any papers that would ruin my future. it's hard initially, because civil engineering is not my first choice and it's still not my first choice. i always wanted to study quantity surveying, and i still wish i've got an extra degree in quantity surveying after 3 years studying civil engineering. i just dunno why. my family has been telling me that i made a right choice studying civil engineering at the end and told me i'll have a bright future. but i'm still not convinced after these years.
i always envy my classmates that are really passionate about the stuff they are learning and when they are in lab doing some research, they really like what they are doing. i could never do that. i did all my assignments because i wanna pass the paper; i attended all the labs praying hard that the lab will end soon; i study hard during exam time because i dun wanna regret at the end if i get sucky results . isn't this pathetic? i wonder how many varsity students out there are similar to me? where's the passion i need?
it is also this "passion" that made me so indecisive when i have to choose my own papers to study this year. it wasn't a problem to me for the previous years as all the courses are compulsory and all i have to do was to attend the scheduled lectures and labs, do all my assignments and sit for the exams. easy as that. unfortunately, this year all third pro students have to choose a minimum of 6 civil papers out of 8 papers. this is really a pain for me. i could only tick a few options that really interest me and that i have a wee bit of confidence to excel in. tat is also why i was really busy for the first five days back to school as i attended every single lecture to decide whether if i have interest in that particular lecture. and yet, i'm still indecisive. time is running out and i better make a decision asap because i wont be able to concentrate if i din make a decision soon. argh.... what should i do?
well, about my new year resolutions, i always wish for "world peace, good health, and excellent results". excellent results.... did i ever get that? what's the point of getting great results when you dont know why u r studying all these? argh... it's pretty frustrating sometimes. but the best thing to do now is stick to what i've always been... i'll just go ahead and finish up my degree with the best result i could get so that i wont regret in the future. i think that's the best i could do considering that i don't have any special interest in any field. and it's a bit too late to switch to another degree. just hope that everything turns out great and i'll find my passion in this field soon. SOOOOO.... my study aim for this year is to " be a study freak and get my bestest grades ever at the end " . (sounds too ambitious right? but i really hope i could do it)
enough crap about my studies, and i dun feel like talking about my future studies, which is my masters degree next year. let's talk about my life in general. as i said i'm 21 this year, i think it's time to change myself overall. i dunno why, i always hate myself. i never liked myself. my self confidence is a negative number alwez. sigh... but how to change this attitude? i have no idea. but it's really time to change myself. or else, i'll be having another sad and pathetic year that i don't feel like remembering. i've always been very annoying, people that are close to me would realise that. and also, i'm always in my own circle of life. i dun like to socialise with other people, and i feel annoyed when people comment about my social life. i'm still wondering issit wrong if i like to be alone? issit better to socialise more? i think the main reason that i don't like socialising is because i'm scared that i'll be cheated by other people. some of you might know, i hardly trust anyone (sorry if i hurt some of u guys out there...). i've been through times when i was betrayed by someone that i trusted the most. i still can't get through these kinda things easily. deep inside me, i'm still a lil girl. tat's why i rather "lock" myself up in my own circle with occasional "visits" to the outer world than letting myself getting hurt at the end. dun try to correct me at this point, everyone has his/her own perception about their life. hope you guys understand. i'll just have to once again build up "trust" slowly in the future, but it takes time.... and i'll just stick to what i've been for now.

i'm in deep trouble!!!

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shit...where is my ring?! argh..!!!!! i've been walking around campus the whole day and i just realised that i've lost my beloved ring an hour ago. what can i do? i've been looking around civil suite, where is the place i realised about it. and also, i've walked around campus following the routes i took the whole morning. damn!!! i'm waiting for the next class to finish so that i could go into C1 and check whether if i could get it back. i really hope that i could find it as it really means a lot to me. it has accompanied me for more than a year now, and it's meaningful to me. >< i'm really screwed this time. i'm sad... feel so lost... :( help...!!!! i know i've broken someone's heart. yeah... i dun dare to face him not until i've found it back.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

hmm... i'm finally 21.... a few more hours to go before i finish my birthday. i'm really excited about today. hehe!! well, i was a bit disappointed at first when no one actually very "keen" to celebrate my birthday when i was counting down to 2nd feb. hehe..BUT... i was wrong! hehe.... i got my first surprise party at 12am sharp. my beloved bf baked a choc cake for me and everyone (my bro, my two cussies, and mabel) sang me a birthday song... sooo touch!!!! well, my parents text me continously after that. soooo happy. Oh yeah, i received quite a number of pressies also. hmm... lemme list down:
1. my parents gave me CNY ang pow + birthday ang pow
2. my bro & Mabel gave me a gold "cross" pendant
3. Leon ( my lil cuz) gave me a pair of earrings
4. Elaine (my other cuz) gave me a korean drama series ( cool yeah?)
5. Heather gave me a pair of earrings as well (she gave me a month ago...)
6. My lovely bf (tomato) bought me a temporary gift --- flying pig!!!
7. and myself... i bought myself a birthday bear..

hehe..sooo fun!!! but the only thing i'm disappointed about were my sisters in msia forgot about my bday (probably they are busy over there) and my best friend in France forgot about my bday as well... sigh!!!!
nvm... i'm still happy ... hope this year will be a better year... !!! ^^