hours to go...

hmm... tired now! but i stilll got heaps to do. oh man, i really cant wait to get all these stuff done, then juz throw everything aside, enjoy a day at least of holiday. :S i still reckon team work is a tough things. and i nvr know how ppl thinks. well, u might say tat juz dun care abt all those bloody ppl tat keep commenting on stuff, but err.. i'm part of the world, and i'm surrounded by a lot of ppl tat i really cant shut my ears and pretend tat i din hear anything rite? tolerate... tolerating... juz hope that everything's gonna end asap. but in the meantime, i pray that i got the energy to finish up wat i'm supposed to do and hopefully i could do it to the best. can i? issit easy? hmm.. no idea. and i dun wanna know about it also, i'm leaving everything to God. okay, i hafta rush now. i had a lot of stuff to complain juz before, but i totally forgotten about it now. err.. i think tat's okay. pray hard for the malam to be successful. ^^ cheers!

life...

sitting here feeling so bored n tired. hell... it's tuesday afternoon and it's HOLIDAY now... why am i so tired and bored and depressed. i really need a holiday, i mean a long long holiday which i could totally escape from all the stuff i'm surrounded with now. the activites i'm involved, my homework, my university, my friends i think. just wanna be alone in a nice warm cosy place, where i could eat and sleep everyday. forget abt my work and other tiny lil stuff that make me headache. can i do that? no i think not! it's really hard to forget about all the stuff that's happeneing around me, i can't ignore all tat. it's really hard. so what can i do now? i cant think of anything. i'm trying my best to sleep most of the time to stop myself from thinking about all these stuff, but it just wont happen, coz the more i force myself to bed, the more i can DREAM about all these stuff. shit aye?!?!
errmm... counting down 7 days to MALAM MALAYSIA. i'm still praying hard for more guests to join our function. i realised that it's really hard to get ppl to come when we dun haf contacts. and this is the time that we hafta wear a friendly mask and be nice to some ppl that we normally dun for the sake of the final results. damn it! what a shit life! tis shitty feeling is really killing me. i've had this kinda feeling ever since the start of ticket sale. approaching ppl and try my best to persuade them and listen to their bullshits to get them to come. com'on.... am i such a failure? do i haf so few friends. i'm pretty sure that if i did it in malaysia, i could get a lot of ppl to come. they would come without much persuasion. why the hell cant i do it here? i dunno why. probably i changed to a worse person. or probably like what elder ppl tell me alwez, true friends are found in high school, coz you guys grow up together and get matured together. in university, ppl starts to learn how to cheat each other to achieve their own benefit. is it true?? shit.. this makes me feel like goin back to msia asap. i wanna go back to a place where all my true friends are. this place is so cruel. but, i can't juz run away from the reality i'm facing here. i hafta be strong enuff to face the cruel reality. how?? part of me wants to be strong coz i dun wanna be another weak girl that cries over her sorrows... part of me wants to juz go back to msia and forget a damn about wat happened here. argh..confusing.... i just pray that everything will be smooth soon. i'm not sure how long i could last. or probably i hafta train myself to shut myself up from this world and act like an idiot tat thinks the world is pretty and the sun is shining everyday in my life. could i do tat? it's a real big challenge. but i'm giving myself time to adapt it. pray hard for me, okay?
hmm.. it's getting late. i hafta go. phew..feel so nice after expressing my thoughts. issit true that when ppl turns older, they start thinking more??? if yes, i dun wanna grow older aye. i wanna just stay like tat. coz i think i can't cope with all my thoughts in the future.

wanna be diff...

well, tis is my nick. i juz finished writing a blog like few minutes ago. and i've actually went offline and off to bed... but i juz couldn't sleep when i thought abt a mail i received from my high school friend. she is at my age, doin medicine in melbourne university and apparently she's a very smart gal. and now, she's doin her medical research in OXFORD, UK. tat's soooo soooo cool...!!!! tat's everyone's dream... well, at least it's my dream to be there. i've alwez wanted to further my studies in UK. but i nvr got the chance. i'm stucked here at the corner of the world... doin civil engineering. i still dun understand why i'm doin civil engineering. probably i'll NEVER understand. probably i'm just too stubborn to forget about my dreams... n get on with what i haf now. i really wana be diff u know. being a Oxford student can be something diff, but i dun haf the ability... i'm not a genius nor a smartass student. too bad.. i wanna be a popular girl and known for being friendly, but i aint friendly, probably ppl around just dun like me for who i am. tis place is making me real sick. i seriously think i shud take a cold drink n sit on a quiet beach one day, start to think of my life... n how to make it better. how to make everyone happy and myself happy as well. tat's a tough task, but i hafta give it a try before claiming that i couldn't do it. life still sucks now! steppin out of the house seems to be a big STEP for me... i dun feel like facing the real world... juz wanna be in my bed. as everything in my dream is perfect. just too perfect!!! tat's why it's nvr gonna come true. wondering who else feels the same as i do... there's recently a barrier between me and the rest of the world... it's just hard to face it. i'm getting crazy.... no one can help me now. just hafta force myself to get used to it.

complex moood

hmm... i'm not feelin okay now, feel like puking after the extreme sweet bubble tea i had. terrible!!! nvr gonna drink tat again.
complex mood.. hmm... i should claim that today is a very 'happenning' day i bet. planned to wake up earlier to finish my transportation assignment, but i was too tired, and my brain n body just don't allow me to wake up earlier. (mood goin downhill)
i ended up waking up around 8am as usual. went to school earlier but i bunked my first two lectures to do a bit of assignment and prepared myself for a test at 11am. well, i THOUGHT i bunked two lectures today but FORTUNATELY my 'kind' lecturer cancelled the two lectures he had today as not a lot of ppl turn up for his class. (mood goin uphill)
and yeah, i had my structural mechanics test. speaking of the test, i wasn't happy about the test, not even a bit. my mind went BLANK as usual, i was doin really great initially, get my time under controlled... not until i realized about the BIG picture..the main question... dumb me, i tot they were all seperate questions... sigh.. i noticed it on the last ten minutes, and i was panick after tat. yeah... as expected, i did all wrong! ... tears rolled down my cheeks after the test as i din expect it to be ThAt terrible... mm... i just dun understand why i juz screwed up a lot of stuff. (mood turning back downhill)
(mood getting worse...) straight after the bloody depressing test, i had to go to ucsa to set up my mlm ticket booth. i was all alone for like half an hour after the test... had some negative stuff running through my mind again. i was thinking how stupid i was doin all these "unwanted" stuff and giving up all my study time. but the other part of me was scolding myself as i shouldnt be having this thought running through my mind. so confused tat time... (mood getting worse and worse...)
by the time i reached ucsa, i was really glad to see that my bro and mabel already set up the booth and helping out. really glad tat someone is there coz i tot i'll be alone in the booth today. hmm... we started talking about the response of mlm msia. no progress since last thursday, how worse could tat be?! i really think that we need to do a lot of stuff to attract ppl's attention. i started feeling useless... and i started blaming other ppl coz they dun do stuff. n in fact i shouldn't be blaming others as i could have contributed more... but what could i do? all i could do is limited.. i'm still not used to working in a team i shud make it this way. i've got my own way to do stuff and i still not 100% agree with how my team work out their stuff. i've alwez got everything planned and i tend to do things asap and get things sorted out very early so that ppl wont find a single tiny mistakes in me. probably i'm a bit of kiasu... i juz wanna prove to ppl my ability to work. tat's why i alwez sacrifice my time and energy for stuff tat i could prove my ability to ppl. i'm still not used to working in team... it's really hard to please everyone... i should start getting rid of this part of me coz i'm gonna enter the working society soon. i hafta do some changes to adapt the working environment i guess. back to the mlm process, i'm really worried about stuff. i would like to help and i've been asking around whether they nid my help but all of them juz ask me to cool down and said they will sort things out. now wat i could do is to pray hard that everything runs smoothly. i m really praying hard that this year's malam would be a successful event.
okay..complex mood today.. mood swing... i've basically handed in my assignments for this term, done all my tests... now left an activity to handle.. one week away... anticipating it...

SNOW SNOW SNOW

sooo weird.. snow heavily today. it's already END of winter... we've been anticipating for this day since weeks ago.. cant really believe that it snows today. yesterday was a warm day, around 20 degree celcius, and all of a sudden the temp dropped to around 2 degrees ...SNOW SNOW SNOW.. unbelievable rite?
hmm... guess wat... i knew it was raining from the moment i woke up.. and then sth happened tat changed my mood... i looked outside my window and prayed hard that it will snow...so that i'll be happy back.. then i went to kitchen and grabbed some food. GUESS WAT... i noticed tat there was no more rain but started to snow... wow!!! i couldn't believe it and i stood in front of the window for quite some time to make sure tat it's really snowing not hailing... hahahahah... sooo happy at that moment.
hmm..another great thing happened today.... my laptop is back in action again after so many days of hibernation. errr.... i'm really glad tat "she's" working again..coz my life w/o her is sooo pathetic. i hafta rely on other ppl, it's like sharing some precious & personal stuff with other ppl. troublesome aye.
two good things happened in a row today. i'm so happy about it. i just hope that this following week would be better coz i dare not think about it when i see the tight schedule ahead. ASSIGNMENTSSSS TESTSSSS... hmm.. just hope everything runs smoothly.
snow tomolo ya?!!? PUHLEASE.....cuz...
i wanna celebrate xmas tomolo....
i wanna take photos tomolo....
i wanna play tomolo...
bwahahhahahha!!!!

BACK!

well, i'm not actually "back".. juz come back for a while coz my stupid damn laptop isn't working still. darn! well, life without laptop, or probably more appropriate is life w/o internet is like shit aye. couldn't do anything, feel tat my room is so empty and my heart is so empty all of a sudden. hmm.. luckily i'm busy enough to make this hard feelings lesser and lesser.
well, initially, i would like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my boy boy... err.. yesterday was his bday, well, i've said many many times happy birthday to him, and i know he's still hoping he's the king of the world and wanna be the king alwez, it doesn't harm me for saying too many happy birthday, so yeah.. juz to please him la.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY..
speaking of his birthday, i felt very useless. initially, i've spent like ages to think wat to buy for him. i've thought of heaps of stuff, from cute lil stuff (tat suits girls more.. ) to like really really expensive stuff. tell me, what stuff does a 21 year old guy need? i cant think of anything that's really affordable except err.. car?? tat's every guy's dream i think... well, i can't afford buying a car now. so yeah, wat's there to get? well, i ended up calling up my parents and asked them for their opinion (hahah..stupid idea aye?) well, being a realistic adult like my parents, they asked me to get him a coat.. yeah, the coat is still on its way to ship over... so yeah, i ended up getting a "belated" bday present for him. hmm.. really feel bad when i wished him happy bday w/o giving him a single present. darn..stupid me. okay, despite the pressie, err.. ppl have been asking me what to do for his bday... keep on asking and asking until i'm sooo paiseh that i've got nothing in my mind. err.. i've got no one to discuss to, coz i'm so damn indecisive and i've really got no idea how to organize a very nice surprise bday party. so guess wat, err.. we went out for dinner with 10 other ppl n came home to my place to cut the cake and played cards all nite. sounds sooo stupid! feeling more useless... i wouldn't want my 21st birthday to be like that. hmm.. i hafta blame it on myself for being that useless la.. and probably no good imagination.
oh yeah, guess wat's worse... i m sick. i started feeling sickish yesterday afternoon. soooo ngam, last year i was sick on his bday as well, i still remember that becoz i was sick we ended up goin home earlier. darn. dunno watsup with me, i m sick again. :( i've been trying real hard to stay awake.. but things just dun work. i wanted to bake a cake for him but i juz couldn't persuade my body to start doin work. i wanted to do a lot of stuff, but everything juz screwed up. argh...
today is a tiring day. woke up around noon. went to fundraising carwash for cmsa after lunch. stayed there for approximately 3 hours washing cars.
oh yeah... for this whole week, i noticed sth. there's no fair stuff in life. there's alwez someone tat contributes more than the others in a team work. dun alwez think that you contribute a lot and ppl will remember u. ppl wont feel grateful, they might think that u r such a stupid guy doin all those unwanted chores, and they would approach you coz they think you would juz nod your head to watever stuff that's given to u. it's like a free slave for them, so why not take full advantage? somemore, popularity of someone doesn't come with contribution. i m so sick of the ppl around me. i haf this feeling that i haf to stay alert at all times so tat i wont get "eaten" by someone. it's really scary. probably it's something i hafta get used to before entering the society. i'm glad that i've noticed all these tiny stuff now. coz my dad told me about the hidden evilness in ppl. especially ppl that are closed to you. i still think that "nvr trust a person so much" is my fav tagline, and it's so true tat no one can deny. it's good to think simple, but sometimes when you think simple, ur life would be totally screwed up. just be wise in life and talk after u think. there's no way tat you could live like how u want it to be. there's alwez imperfections in life, imperfection = evil ppl... so be wise!

raining...心痛...

it's still raining outside since thursday nite. hmm.. we are having a carwash fund raising campaign later at 11am, but doubt it though. who would wanna wash their car on a rainy day..?? well, dun wanna tok about carwash now. hmm.. it's only 10am, and it's saturday morning. by right i should be sleeping like a pig, having a nice sweet dream on my warm n cosy bed, but i was having sort of night mares all nite, dun feel like going back to bed anymore. currently thinking of what to do. mood is still not okay... blame it on the shitty weather. i nvr like wet weather...

心情簡直跌到了谷底, 一切都變了吧。我曾經努力嘗試去克服一切﹐嘗試了解﹐嘗試去包容﹐但是一切已經太遲了。別人說得對﹐一旦錯過了時機﹐一切都很難再回頭了。很辛苦﹐好像在等待著一個答覆﹐就好像一個死囚等待死刑的心情。只能怪我自己吧!

bye...

~no title~

hmm.. it's 2am n i juz arrived home from cue time. sucks aye my pool skill. darn. i'm blaming it on the jacket i was wearing though... fluffy korean jacket, but i din take it off coz err.. of my flabby arms. pathetic rite? hmm.. i cant take myself complaining so much of myself anymore. well, everytime when i complains, i'll tell myself "stop complaining, aren't u sick of it?!" well, actually i am, but it's juz a "normal" reaction that i have to complain. coz i nvr satisfied with myself. NEVER

hmm.. know wat i've been doin for these few days. beside daily stuff like attending lectures n shits liddat. i actually tried to open myself to other ppl, as in trying to be a bit more socializing and find back the old me. the ME when i was in intermediate year. after putting so much effort onto it, it's really hard to turn things back. well, probably some things are meant to be like the way they are right now. maybe things just dont go back to what they used to be. life has to move on... tat's all i could say. hmm... shit wat am i talking?! err.. actually i'm not sure what craps i'm saying right now, a bit lost though... *whacking myself*

there's a busy week ahead with three assignments to hand in on friday, and the following wednesday another two assignments i guess + a test. hmm.. could i handle it? i said juz before that i will try my best and do well in everything i'm handling. i'm still gonna work hard for it but i reckon it's not as easy as i think it would be if i tried my very best. anyway, i wont regret or sad if i tried my best. there has to be someone better and someone worse than you to make it even rite? there cant be two number ones, rite?? hmm... life is tough i shud say. the sucky weather today is making me down... n my mind starts spinning with full of unnecessary and negative thinkings. tat's shit...

anyway, juz hope everything will be cool soon. tat's what i pray for everyday when i wake up in the morning. "god, hope everything will be okay..."

First time posting a photo

hehe... my first time posting a photo here.

think shud start by posting a cute photo.

cute aye?

feel free to contact me if u look like this...

huge + cuddly + cute

POOOH

it's AUGUST!

errrmm... august now, countdown 27 days to malam malaysia. pretty scary when i think about it. just dunno why. probably this is my first time participate in organizing such a "big" function, or probably i think that there's a lot to be done, especially the promoting job. shit aye... not a lot of ppl know about it. and well, there's some minor argument goin on and it's totally useless and unnecessary to argue over that.

to be honest, as i've been like these ppl before so i m not really mad at them coz i know the argument will soon be over and there's never a year that they think that the function is of their "excellent" standard. normally outsiders know the least and they tend to look at things in an ultimately simple way. i've learned that there are a lot of minor things that should be taken into consideration as these small simple things have the tendency to ruin the big plan.

argh... to get straight to the point... if you think you have the ability to handle such a big function and have the ability to get it done to the best (i mean all the guest thinks it's a 5-star function), no one would stop you from complaining or talking shits behind... actually, the best way is to talk to the organizing committee, tell them your opinion. isn't that a better solution?

okay, back to where i stopped. i started thinking about my job opportunity here in new zealand. i'm wondering what is the percentage of a asian girl getting a civil engineering job here? look... i've gotta compete with guys + kiwis + more working experience ppl. really hard aye? i've sent out letters or emails to all possible companies that i could get and started praying hard to get a job here this summer. oh god.. help me! i dun wanna waste another 2000 bucks flying back to msia and sit at home doing nothing. furthermore, my parents might fly here this november, isn't it weird if i go back when they are here?? errm.. i just hope that everything runs smooth. like my plan, work hard this summer, and fly back to msia next easter break. ^^

hmm.. something important. i'm ready to push myself to the limit for the rest of the year. i'm lucky enough to get quite average results for my mid term, and yeah, sort of screwed up my mgmt and materials as i was panicking during the exams. i m now tryin to finish up all my hw and assignments before due date and promised myself to approach the elite ppl or lecturers or tutors whenever i got problem and fully prepared myself for the final exams in november. how does it sounds like? too purfect hor? well, yeah, i think it's too perfect. somemore even perfect plan is i'm gonna study hard during weekdays and party hard (ie sleep hard) during weekends. well, it's getting unbelievable to some of you out there. you might think i'm insane or bullshitting. but i do think i can make it. at least i'll try my really best to be what i planned to be. gambatte, piggie!!!

dinner time! tata....